Once Upon A Time In Mexico

Crossing the border into Mexico is an experience.

It costs $.25 to walk into Mexico, but $.30 to get back.  That $.05 deters illegal immigration.

We left the safety and security of the United States and stepped through a hole in the space time continuum into The Land of the LOST!

There was a man leading a burro loaded with coffee.  There were sombreros for sale.

Excuse me, but do you have anything besides Mexican food?

There were horses and a man on fire, and Brick killed a guy.

He stabbed him in the heart with a trident.  I’ve been meaning to talk to him about that, he should probably go to a friend or a relative where he can hide out and lay low for a while, because he’s probably wanted for murder.

The dusty streets whistled through the saloon doors.

Two men stepped into the middle of the road, facing each other, 50 paces apart.  Families scuttled into any open archway.

There was a baby standing in the middle of the street, alone… abandoned.  Just before the shootout began I ran by and scooped up the baby, saving it just in time from certain death.

It was a relatively quick ordeal, and not worthy of all of the to do.

Everything was quiet.  Bang, bang.  One man fell down.  So it goes.

Then the fireworks went off and the mariachi band came back out.  AREEBA! YIP YIP! AREEBA!

We strolled through town, we went to a cantina, we ate at a taqueria, and we played with marionettes with small children.

Then we caught wind of a grave threat.  The danger of bandidos was rising.

Quickly we ducked back onto the bridge over the Rio Grande.  Melissa struggled to find $.30 for each of us to get through.

But she could only find $.40!

I told her to go.  She refused.

So I put the money in the turnstile and shoved her through the gate.  She tried to come back, but, ha ha, I had tricked her.  The carousel only went one way.

I kissed her through the bars, and then ran.

I jumped into the Rio Grande below the bridge and began to swim!

The Mexicans were cheering me on!  “Swim, you chubby white man!” They shouted. (Gordo blanco hombre)

But the Americans were shooting at me!

I was dodging bullets.

He won’t be explaining his way out of this one.

They whizzed past my ribs, spiraling into the water.

Dead fish were floating up all around me!

Then I got to the other side and jumped the barbed wire fence.

I went to the nearest officer, and I said, “Excuse me sir, I am an American citizen.  I was just trying to take a swim in this river and your guards were shooting at me!”

He was so sorry that he had those border guards hung on the spot.  He then called the president (who said he was very sorry) and the border patrol was abolished forever, never to rule the Rio Grande with their tyranny again!

Comments

HAHAHA This is the best story i’ve ever heard!!! Brad, i’m glad you made it out alive!