There must have been a crackhead BBQ down the block

I had to stop a crackhead from stealing our grill this afternoon.

It was 1 o’clock and I’d drank a lot of coffee that morning.  So, needless to say, I was stationary in the best room in the house for sitting and full-body relaxation.

Just outside the boarded up bathroom window, I heard a rustling.  “Must be the wind,” I thought to myself.

I knew there was no wind that morning, “perhaps a raccoon” I said.  One of those rare, daylight mutant raccoons, or a stray cat.

But then I heard it again, transforming from a mere rustling.  Without a doubt it was plastic wheels on concrete.

Someone was either stealing our grill or our city trashcan.

I was faced with an awkward decision, finish what I’d started, or spring with a moist bottom and save our patio wares.

I made an awkward compromise with a single wipe and sprang.

Damn button fly pants!

As I got out the door, I saw a large man wheeling our grill down the street, about to cross the intersection.

“Hey!  What are you doing with my grill!”

He was huge, but he turned like a child responding to authority.

“What are you doing with my grill?!” I’ll add the question mark on this one, though neither statement would qualify as a question in any practical sense.

He didn’t run, he just looked at me with those big, stupid, blood-shot crackhead eyes.

“I ‘pologize” he said, as he released his grip on my property.  “I thought the house was empty.”

“That doesn’t matter,” I scolded him.  “You don’t take things off of people’s lawns.”

This was a basic ethics lesson that was clearly new to him.

He showed no signs of flight and repeated again that he was sorry, and again that he thought the house was empty.

I could see that he genuinely believed that if a house was empty it was OK to take things from it. I was still skeptical as to whether he actually believed the house was empty, but given his lifestyle and his spoiled mental capacities I didn’t doubt it either.

Most humans possess an inate understanding that taking something that you didn’t purchase, and wasn’t given to you as a gift, is theft.  But a lifetime in his particular moral position had thoroughly convinced him that stealing my grill was not only victimless, but was not a crime.

I didn’t scold him too thoroughly, because a) he was huge, and b) the illusion of my authority would only take me so far.

I took my grill from him and rolled it back up the street to its position on my patio.

That grill isn’t even worth anything, as a cooking appliance or as scrap.  The tank isn’t even attached.

He’d be lucky to get $5 for it.  He’d be lucky to get a hit for $5 with the cash.  Such a complicated procedure for such a fleeting payoff.

He moseyed on down the way, undoubtedly in search of other “abandoned” wares.

Comments

That was a great story. I felt like I was there.

i second that comment!!

LOL I bet you scared him not thinking anyone lived there or being daytime not thinking anyone was home… I’m glad you caught him and confronted him.
BTW thanks for moving to the neighborhood hopefully our paths will cross sometime this summer.

Howard

Thanks it’s good article. I like to read more.

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