Guilty

For a couple of days the girls have been asking to crochet. I don’t actually know how to crochet but Ira taught himself last year so I guess they assume I know how to as well. I hate saying no so instead I just replied “not right now” which was probably not the best move. I thought that instead of crocheting we will do some other creative task like embroidery or sewing.

When we first moved I made a little sewing nook at the top of our stairs. I was excited to have a spot that was fairly accessible, however, a couple of months later (with nothing sewn!) I felt the Lord’s gentle guidance to put away crafty stuff for this season. It was leading to turmoil and guilt inside of me because I don’t have the capacity to follow through right now. I’m sure if it was important enough I would, but the Lord was confirming what I already thought: sewing isn’t a priority right now. Being a mother, being a wife, helping with ministry and having a toddler who’s into everything is plenty for one season.

So I took my sewing machine and shoved it on the top shelf of my closet and felt a great sense of freedom knowing I didn’t need to try and be a seamstress right now.

Unfortunately this morning all I felt was guilt when the girls again asked to do one one of these creative pursuits. For so long I had hoped to sew with daughters and now that I have them I don’t even sew anymore.

I decided it wouldn’t hurt to get my machine out and make a simple drawstring bag or two. But as I was digging through the box in the closet to find the bobbin and thread and fabric, I felt the stress and frustration of this project already welling up inside of me.

I’m not sure the girls are quite old enough to really be able to grasp sewing well, and I struggle to do any task like this when Hal is there grabbing and throwing. I made the decision on the floor of my closet to shove it all back in the box and walk away. They would never know that I had been planning this and I could wait until a more appropriate time to teach them.

I was still mulling this all over a little later and I felt the Lord’s peace wash over me because there will be plenty of time to teach my daughters these skills. As I watched them playing together this morning, I can also trust that this season is just as important and I haven’t missed anything.

Satan wants us to rush. He wants us to stress out and feel like we’re behind so we make rash decision out of haste. I’m almost certain that if I had proceeded with this sewing project it would have ended in frustration, and possibly tears, for all of us. I wasn’t doing it from a place of love but instead one of guilt for all that I “haven’t done”.

The enemy loves to prey on moms and remind them of all they haven’t done, but thankfully my God was gracious enough to remind me of all the ways I do provide for them and all that I have taught them. It may look different than it used to, but it should! Our family has grown and changed a lot from those early days in which I idolized crafts and sewing.

God knew what he was doing when he brought the girls along when he did, and perhaps He wants to show them how to be a mother with the Spirit guiding, and not letting the world’s voice of urgency being the one in charge.

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