I woke up feeling like I could just go back to sleep today. I don’t really know why I was so tired, but I struggled out of bed and got everything ready to spend 4 hours at the nearby outdoor center for a homeschool field trip. It is so much work to get 6 kids ready to spend that long out of the house, especially when we have to pack lunch and make sure everyone was going to be warm enough (it was the first hard frost we had this morning!)
It’s been 20 years since my mom passed. That’s such a long time, yet every October I still feel more emotion and grief than I feel I should.
I don’t usually think of it as grief, and it’s really only been the last couple of years that I’ve made space for the extra emotions I seem to feel this time of year. I know a lot of people talk about thinking about their deceased loved one every day, but that’s not the case for me. I don’t think about my mom amongst all the normal life. The grief shows up when I’m overwhelmed and tired and just wish I had the help I know she would provide if she were still alive. It show up in anxiety because even if I’m not aware of it I experienced a deep trauma many years ago in October and somehow my brain still registers it, just like it does the changing of leaves.
Sometimes when I’m in that woe is me, life is hard space I imagine what it would be like if she were still alive. I try to imagine the relationships she would have with my kids, how often I would see her, and the shopping trips we would likely go on and it seems so foreign to me. I have no concept of what an adult life with a mom would look like, and man that’s a bummer.