Written on April 5th, 2022
With each pregnancy I’ve experienced I mourn the loss of creativity. Perhaps it’s not my creativity that is gone, but the energy and motivation to carry out the things I would like. Either way I miss the excitement that comes with making something new, whether it be in the kitchen, at the sewing machine or planted in the garden. It feels like there’s a gaping hole that I just don’t have it in me to fill, and even after 6 pregnancies I still wish I could not feel so “different” than I do when I’m not growing a human.
Yesterday I was pondering my most recent creativity deficit, but I thought about what my body is actually doing. It’s literally CREATING an entire human. An entire human being is being formed from scratch as I speak. It rocked my whole outlook on the thing and instead of feeling frustrated at my lack I decided to pour into the work my body was already doing.
I may not have the capacity to do as much as I would like to but, wow, a whole human with a whole life ahead of them is being growing because of me.
What if instead of complaining about my lack I pour into that life through prayer and thanksgiving? What will that give this child (and me!) as we grow together?
Today I had my first midwife appointment. I had a quiet hour drive to her office, and I felt a mix of trepidation and prayer as I traveled. I always worry that there is something wrong and that the baby’s heartbeat won’t be heard, or that there is something seriously wrong with me.
After a lot of questions and a blood draw I laid back on the couch while she spread the cold goo on my expanding belly. I felt nervous, and excited, and as I listened to the immediate noises of the doppler whooshing around my belly. Eventually I heard it in the background, the steady beat of a growing heart.
“Those are the baby kicking,” as we listened to tiny little jolts of noise from the speaker.
My mouth was wide in a smile, “Oh this is so awesome” was all I could muster.
This child that I’ve known about for months now is really alive. Although I may not be able to feel it yet, and even though I haven’t felt well and have worried about its health, this baby had a strong healthy heartbeat and was feeling quite active.
Relief flooded my heart and mind, and I was beyond thankful for God’s provision.
I drove home, full of life expressing itself in the most creative way ever. I’m tired, often sick, and feel like my mind can’t handle all the tasks, but I am creating a beautiful new child of God.
I have yielded my body to the Kingdom once again and the Lord has blessed it with a new child. Thank you Lord. Thank you for the discomfort, the newness, and the provision through it all.