When life-giving becomes life-taking.

I had one of those weeks last weeks. The ones that hit seemingly out of nowhere and threaten to take you out. By the end of it, I was crying and questioning everything.

I really was questioning everything, but with Jesus. I knew that somewhere something had to give. I had given too much of my time or attention to something outside of my priorities, and my ability to mother well was suffering.

As I talked about it with Brad I said that it’s not worth writing this book if it takes so much of my energy that I do not have the love and patience for my kids that they need.

He said something along the lines of “but isn’t it life giving for you to do?” And while yes, I have (to my great surprise) found it fun and enjoyable to write a novel, I told him that it’s not worth sacrificing my much greater priority: being a mother.

We agreed that I had really started to plow through writing, and that it wouldn’t hurt to just take the process a little slower.

Then I was talking to a friend yesterday about the whole experience of last week and she said the same thing, “But writing is probably life giving to you?” And I responded the same, yes it is but not if I’m a complete grump to my family because of my lack of mental energy.

Then this morning I was pondering that phrase: life-giving. I have said it many times and referenced something as being OK because it’s “life giving”. This morning, though, I realized that life-giving is actually a person and it’s Jesus.

I cannot have anything that’s life giving unless it’s given to me by the Lord.

I do believe the Holy Spirit prompted me to write this book and therefore will provide what I need to finish it. But I also see the ways that I, in my own ability to be efficient and wanting to be done, tried to speed up the process. I need to trust that God will ordain every moment that I need for writing, in a way that works and make sense for the needs of our family.

I had not realized the weight that I had put on myself when it came to finishing this book. As I released that burden, I felt light and free again, and today I found myself pockets of time to write again while my kids were occupied with each other. It was life giving, because that time was given to me by the Lord.

The line between obedience to God and completing something in our own strength can be very thin. It’s sometimes hard to stay on the right side, but I’m grateful for a God who let me fall apart a little bit last week so I could see that He’s the source of Life, and that He will provide abundantly for all He’s called me to.